To Regulus
by bluemeanies
Summary: When you doubt the Dark Lord you are alone, even with those who share those doubts.


"To Regulus," Lucius toasted, raising his glass. "To Regulus," we responded, clinking our glasses of fine French Champagne, wizard made of course. Or at least that's what it says on the label, though Narcissa had never heard of the vineyard herself. Only the best to celebrate the newest member of the Dark Lord's forces.

She looks across the table, seeking someone else who feels her unease, her nervousness. Regulus is her baby cousin, the cute little kid who would beg his mother to keep the kitten he found while covered in mud, he cannot possibly be old enough to fight in this war. He had only just graduated, but no one else seemed to find him too young for the mark. Bellatrix was smiling so brightly she was glowing, obviously proud, Lucius and Rodulphus were less exuberant but she could see their pride through their studied pure-blood indifference. Her other cousin, Evan Rosier, was joking with the Crabbes and Goyles in the corner about the idiocy of the Ministry and various blood traitors, causing gales of laughter. Severus Snape, the little gutter rat her husband had taken on as a project because he was supposedly remarkably skilled and useful, was as always unreadable. The newest recruit himself was excitedly recounting his initiation with Rodulphus's younger brother Rabastan, overflowing with youthful idealism and eagerness for battle.

She couldn't stop her mind from circling through fear and doubt. She had already lost Andromeda and Sirius to the other side and now she feared losing her husband, her sister and now her baby cousin as well. Of course ridding the world of mudblood and muggle filth was important, but she wondered if it couldn't be someone else out doing it, someone who she didn't stay up at all hours waiting to hear that they were ok. Was it really worth sending out the best pureblood youth at the tender age of eighteen to do His bidding?

"Lucius said he'll bring me on his next raid," Regulus boasted with only a faint trace of nervousness. "I'll take out the most muggles and hopefully get to take on an Auror. I'm sure it will be only a matter of time until I'm elevated to the inner circle."

Out of the corner of her eye she can see Snape roll his eyes. She raises her eyebrow to him then takes a deep breath and fastens her widest smile to her face.

~break~

"Do you ever think that maybe we've gone too far?" Reggie asks her. He's hunched in on herself, nervously glancing at the doors. She wonders what has happened, what has shaken him so badly.

"No," she lies. Once you're in you're in for life, so it doesn't do to vocalize such thoughts. They already in constant danger from the Ministry, even the slightest indication of doubt will bring the Dark Lord onto them and she can't afford that anymore. She glances towards the nursery door behind which baby Draco is sleeping, knowing she must continue on for his sake. She stirs her sugar into her tea than passes it to him. He refuses and stares at his cup, as if it might have his answers hidden in there.

"But if you did, what would you do?" He asked his voice cracking.

"Forget and never tell anyone," she says, hoping he'll take the hint. He's only been in for a year, while she's been watching Lucius and Bella serve for at least five years and she's never seen either of them express these doubts. She suspects Lucius may occasionally have them, but he's never shared them with hers as she has never shared herself. Bella's faith in the cause was deep and unshakeable, almost to a disturbing extreme. "Especially not Bella," she added.

"What if you can't ignore it?" he asked. His desperation was becoming apparent and it was obvious he needed someone to calm his doubts. She didn't know how, she always calmed her own by pushing them out of mind and thought if she started acknowledging them she'd never start.

"You just do," she says, her tone indicating that this line of conversation is over. "Evan is planning a fabulous party for the equinox. The roses will be in bloom at Rosier manor and there will be lemon cakes, I know you've always loved lemon cakes."

He doesn't respond to her obvious attempt to change the subject, instead standing grabbing his coat and leaving. "Goodbye, Cissa," he says as he walks out the door and for some reason it feels final to her. After the door closes, she goes to the nursery and hugs Draco, not caring that her eyes are starting to water.

~break~

She shouldn't have here, but she needed to know. Regulus had not been seen for a month; indeed she was the last person who would admit to seeing him. However, if he had done something stupid and Voldemort had made an example of him she doubted that even Lucius would tell her. She still hoped, however, because no one has told her something that would end that hope. Still, a month was too long and the worrying was keeping her up at night. So she found herself on a bench in a filthy muggle park staring at the filthy muggles walking their filthy dogs waiting for someone who she definitely shouldn't be seen with.

"Sirius," she says as he walked up to her, looking positively wild in a leather jacket with matching leather pants and unkempt hair. She sees his raggedy friend from school watching them from a distance, and immediately gets angry. "I said to come alone."

He glanced quickly at the other man, and then replied, "Yeah, well that's what your lot always say when setting up a trap."

"It's not a trap," she replies. They stared at each other, each daring the other to be the first to be the one to turn away or break the silence. She blinked and took a deep breath, asking the question that she needed to ask. "Have any of your people seen Regulus?"

He blinked for a moment than resumed glaring at her. "No, not unless he's on the other side of a mask. I haven't seen him for three years, not since I left Hogwarts."

Her shoulders sagged. Only now did she realize that she had been pinning her hopes on the idea that he had defected. That would make him a traitor, but at the very least it would mean that he was still alive. "Could you ask?"

He shrugged, "Sure, though if we knew it probably wouldn't be good for him. One of Moldy-Voldy's Death Munchers is more likely to know."

"No one has seen him for a month; at least that I've heard. Before, before he went missing he was acting strange, like he was going to leave. I thought he might have defected, and…"

Sirius raised his eyebrows, and she could tell that this had surprised him, that he wasn't lying to protect Regulus. He shook his head, "No, I'm sorry."

"If he was with you, at least I'd know he was alive, if you hear anything, could you perhaps let me know?" she asked, doubting it would mean anything.

"Perhaps," he said before walking away towards his friend. She saw him start talking animatedly to his companion, asking questions before they walked towards a parked motorcycle and speeding off. She sat in the park for another half hour in silence before apparating home before anyone even noticed she was gone.

~break~

It was a rainy March day when they buried Evan Rosier. That was the day that she admitted she had lost all of her male cousins to Voldemort, two dead and one estranged. In the back of her mind she had thought that Regulus would walk through the doors of Malfoy Manor one day, say he had just been off on a secret mission, it was all a bad dream, he was back now, but losing Evan made her admit that this war was dangerous. She wondered if anyone else was mourning.

By appearances very few were mourning Evan. Most of his colleagues had avoided attending the funeral, for fear of raising suspicions due to being associated with a known Death Eater, so the only one of his peers standing in the rain was Severus Snape. She wasn't sure why he'd risk this, but she appreciated knowing that at least one of his colleagues was there, that someone thought remembering Evan was worth the risk. Besides the two of them only the minister, his mother and sister, a sixth year Slytherin, were in attendance and she wasn't sure it was her place to intrude on their grief.

Before they lowered the coffin into the earth she whispered to him, "Say hello to Regulus for me." She saw Snape turn to her for a second, his look seeming to ask a question that she could not decipher before he turned away and returned to his usual inscrutable self.

~break~

The war was over and she was the last Black cousin standing. Well, the last Black cousin except Andie, but it would be improper to contact that blood traitor. Regulus was dead, and Sirius and Bellatrix were in Azkaban. Strangely Sirius was the one that hurt the most right now. She had had more than a year to accept the loss of Reggie and Bella's fanaticism had long since transformed her into a creature that she couldn't relate to, but Sirius, if Sirius was serving the Dark Lord was it too much to ask that he would act as her cousin again. She missed the time that they might have had together, joined in a common cause, but apparently his estrangement ran deeper than the war and was not overcome when they were allies.

Little Draco tugged on her arm, and she broke out of her thoughts. He stared at her with the gray eyes characteristic of her side of the family, and she was glad that he would grow up in peace, that she would never lose him like she lost her family.

~break~

"To Draco," Rudolphus toasted, raising his glass. "To Draco," the small party responded. Narcissa felt a nightmarish sense of de ja vu. She sipped her fine French Champagne (which she knew now was definitely muggle made but she didn't care anymore), and surveyed the much reduced company. Evan and Regulus were dead; Lucius was in prison as were the elder Crabbe and Goyle. Severus Snape, had declined the invitation citing Hogwarts's business. Only her sister, brother-in-law and his brother were joining them. Draco didn't seem to mind.

"Once I've finished the Dark Lord's business at Hogwarts, I'm sure to take father's place in the inner circle, I know it," Draco bragged. He was only sixteen. Narcissa knew that she had to help this time; she would protect him before he ever had doubts as she should have sixteen years prior. She fixed on her smile and celebrated her son's lost innocence.

**Disclaimer: **JKR owns

**A/N:** Please review, this one was kind of depressing to write.


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